Blears Claims Yak Meat On Expenses

Following an investigation by the Daily Telegraph newspaper into the expense claims of Britain’s MPs, we can now reveal shocking new claims made at the expense at the taxpayer:

Records show that Hazel Blears, the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government, has been claiming for the import of yak meat from Tibet. It is believed that Blears got a taste for the flesh of hairy bovines whilst on holiday in Tibet in 2005. Since then, she has regularly received shipments of cuts taken from domesticated yaks at her constituency home in Salford. She is estimated to have claimed over £30,000 of meat in the past three years.

Geoff Hoon, meanwhile, is reported to have claimed £7,000 for tasteless artwork by the London-based artist Grant Nature. Nature, most famous for his 1994 sculpture ‘Dirty Peter’ which depicts Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffe eating a dog poo sandwich, is thought to have been contracted to produce several small paintings for Hoon to be displayed in his London flat. The subject of these paintings ranges from date rape to bestiality and self harm.

Gordon Brown is also not blameless in this scandal, having retrieved £1.5m from public coffers in order to pay for a live reenactment of his favourite film, Conan the Destroyer, for the benefit of himself and a few other senior cabinet ministers. The production, converted into a three-act play by Brown himself, was performed in No. 10’s spacious basement and featured Jason Donovan as the titular Conan. Donovan has been quoted as saying: ‘He [Brown] just approached me with his script in a pub when I performing in the West End… I had no idea he would be using public money to fund the production.”

Blears, Yak Meat Lover, Yesterday