It has been revealed this morning that political correctness has officially ‘gone mad’. The ministry for large reptiles has issued a stark warning, urging people to stay indoors lest they get splattered by an abstract concept realised in the flesh as a 60ft. scaly leviathan.
A survey in 2003 found that most people don’t ‘get’ political correctness, frequently mistaking it for health and safety or petty-mindedness. This forced top government scientists to change it into something more tangible, that ‘ordinary folk’ could get their heads around easier. Following Italy’s success in creating a postmodern pterodactyl, these boffins felt that rendering political correctness into some sort of giant lizard would be equally appropriate. In July 2004, they formally announced that they had successfully transformed political correctness into a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
However, in the early hours of the morning, a power failure in its supercage allowed the monster to break out of its vault, buried a mile beneath Trafalgar Square. It has since gone mad, with several deaths and one wounding have already being attributed to political correctness. it is currently thought to be making its way up the M1.
One person who has been warning the public about this issue for years is colossal wanker and Daily Mail columnist Peter Hitchens. “I’ve been warning people against the dangers of political correctness for years” writes Hitchens, from the comfort of his bunker beneath the Reichstag, “but I’m such a colossal wanker that no one has been paying any serious attention.” Hitchens is still optimistic that we will overcome the beast, stating his own personal efforts “Richard Littlejohn and I have rounded up a truck full of muslims and poofters; we’re going to use them as a live sacrifice to the creature. With a bit of luck it will be distracted long enough for someone to fly in and bash it over the head with a giant Bible.”
We’ll keep you up-to-date on Hitchens’s efforts to tame the brute.
Following an investigation by the Daily Telegraph newspaper into the expense claims of Britain’s MPs, we can now reveal shocking new claims made at the expense at the taxpayer:
Records show that Hazel Blears, the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government, has been claiming for the import of yak meat from Tibet. It is believed that Blears got a taste for the flesh of hairy bovines whilst on holiday in Tibet in 2005. Since then, she has regularly received shipments of cuts taken from domesticated yaks at her constituency home in Salford. She is estimated to have claimed over £30,000 of meat in the past three years.
Geoff Hoon, meanwhile, is reported to have claimed £7,000 for tasteless artwork by the London-based artist Grant Nature. Nature, most famous for his 1994 sculpture ‘Dirty Peter’ which depicts Yorkshire Ripper Peter Sutcliffe eating a dog poo sandwich, is thought to have been contracted to produce several small paintings for Hoon to be displayed in his London flat. The subject of these paintings ranges from date rape to bestiality and self harm.
Gordon Brown is also not blameless in this scandal, having retrieved £1.5m from public coffers in order to pay for a live reenactment of his favourite film, Conan the Destroyer, for the benefit of himself and a few other senior cabinet ministers. The production, converted into a three-act play by Brown himself, was performed in No. 10’s spacious basement and featured Jason Donovan as the titular Conan. Donovan has been quoted as saying: ‘He [Brown] just approached me with his script in a pub when I performing in the West End… I had no idea he would be using public money to fund the production.”
Blears, Yak Meat Lover, Yesterday
Squid Bunty 